Tarzan

on Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Deep in darkest Africa
Within its Congo heart
Tarzan grew to be a man
From a rather shaky start
Bereft of dear old Mum and Dad
And in a dreadful scrape
Tarzan was raised to manhood
By a tender hearted ape
Just as well that apes are not
Like humans, you and me
They would have left him die for sure
Another refugee

Folk Surgery

on Wednesday, April 21, 2010

All over the country they are springing up. Folk surgery clubs are being formed by enthusiastic amateurs keen on maintaining their link with the grand living traditions of surgery as handed down father to son to dog for generations, free from the pollution of professionalism and the cold clinical eye of modern science.

Like all folk traditions, many threads make up the fabric of folk surgery. Some conservative traditionalists will commit to nothing more than what was known to Galen from 100 CE. Admittedly their clubs are few in number, but their rigorous adherence to ancient surgery more than makes up for their rapidly declining numbers.

Some people prefer to dwell in those halcyon Victorian days with bright steel instruments unfettered by blind compliance with the upstart Pasteur. Such meetings do tend to be characterised by cheerful screams and noxious odours, but enthusiasts quickly become immune to such minor unpleasantness.



On special Fair days, different surgery clubs will set up their brightly coloured tents and practise their own favourite historical techniques on each other and the unwary passer-by. A wonderful afternoon can be had by the whole family for the trifle of a few minor amputations. How the children laugh to see father hobble so. Jolly times! Teeth extractions can be arranged for the squeamish who merely wish to dabble in this most delightful pastime.

God discussions

on Saturday, April 17, 2010

In discussions about God
I find it rather odd
That evidence demands such small attention,
Some accept uncritically
What from others they would see
As nothing more than obvious invention.

Darwin and the basset.

on Friday, March 12, 2010

The story of Charles Darwin and the Beagle has been well documented. There have been books, documentaries, films and even a set of collector cards which were never a big seller. Now, after much research, the relationship between Darwin and another breed, the basset, can be told.

Late in 2009, a Scottish professor of linguine living in Johannesburg  was reviewing his private collection of limpet pornography when he discovered a cache of private letters that Darwin wrote to a Lady Breathless of Aberdeen. The contents have shocked the academic world and can at last be revealed.

Several letters are specifically related to Bassets and Darwin's  fascination with the breed.

Early in the correspondence Darwin writes: 'When I was but a child our family pet was a basset, Ralph. How fondly I remember the long idle hours we spent together on the wild moors, discussing philosophy. Ralph favoured Spinoza.'

He speaks candidly of his crisis of faith on Ralph's death: 'How could this saintly creature die? In what divine plan does Ralph's demise by melon make any kind of sense?'

At times, Darwin's relationship with bassets borders on the obsessional: 'I must have more bassets! Please send me more money to rescue another six hounds from the workhouse. With just six more my theories will be complete. Have you seen my hat?' 

Darwin first book, 'The Origin of Species' was originally dedicated to his dear Ralph. Later editions removed the dedication for its unwholesome undertones. At last the truth can be revealed.

Get over yourself

on Sunday, December 13, 2009

Get over yourself
You're not very bright
It's plain accidental
If ever you're right
Your slim grasp on logic
Gives philosophers fright
Get over yourself
You're not very bright


Get over yourself
You're not very smart
You think you're so precious
With your terrible art
But you're less a Picasso
And more of a tart
Get over yourself
You're not very smart


Get over yourself
You're simply absurd
And not just to me
From what I have heard
Your view of realty's
Constantly blurred
Get over yourself
You're simply absurd


Get over yourself
You're not very sweet
You're not in the kitchen
'Cause you can't stand the heat
As for duplicity
You can't be beat
Get over yourself
You're not very sweet


Get over yourself
You're not very wise
You say that you love me
But we all know that's lies
And when you get caught out
It's such a surprise
Get over yourself
You're not very wise


Get over yourself
You're not very dear
Your plain self absorption's
Abundantly clear
Whenever you're needed
You just disappear
Get over yourself
You're not very dear


Get over yourself
You're so self obsessed
You don't have a thought
That goes unexpressed
Perhaps a psychiatrist
Could say it best
Get over yourself
You're so self obsessed


Get over yourself
You don't run this town
You think you're so open
But your brain has shut down
I simply don't care
If you gossip or frown
Get over yourself
You don't run this town

Archie

on Sunday, November 29, 2009

Archie was an ugly man
Of quite unpleasant face
His nose looked rather ill at ease
And slightly out of place

In fact his nose was quite depressed
And feeling out of sorts
And though it never said too much
Had suicidal thoughts

Archie never had a clue
Of his nose's mental state
But sometimes wondered why it had
Become so quiet of late

It was late on Tuesday evening
When the fire was burning low
That Archie's nose decided
That it was time to go

So striking out upon its own
It started a new life
Finding happiness at last
With an earlobe for a wife



Youth

on Friday, November 6, 2009

Youth is wasted on the young
We've always known that's true
And so I have a simple plan
For what we need to do

Remove their youth is what I say
Excise it surgically
Put it in a bottle
And inject it into me 

Willy Wonka is a freak

on Saturday, October 31, 2009


Willy Wonka is a freak, originally uploaded by ordinary-art.

Integrity

on Wednesday, October 28, 2009


Integrity, originally uploaded by ordinary-art.

Clouds

on Tuesday, October 27, 2009


Clouds, originally uploaded by ordinary-art.

The Aquaduck


The Aquaduck, originally uploaded by ordinary-art.

Tiger, Tiger

on Thursday, June 25, 2009

Tiger, tiger burning bright,
Who was it who set you alight?
From where I sit, it seems that that's
Cruelty to pussy cats!

Fetch some water quickly, dear
Fetch it fast and bring it here
A meaning new without a doubt
To putting that poor pussy out.

Evolution

on Wednesday, June 24, 2009


Evolution marches on
What's here today may soon be gone
And as the aeons on doth roll
Evolution takes its toll
On creatures past their use-by date
So you better watch out, mate,
If stupidity's extinction's sign
Then you could be the first in line!