Tarzan

Deep in darkest Africa

Within its Congo heart

Tarzan grew to be a man

From a rather shaky start

Bereft of dear old Mum and Dad

And in a dreadful scrape

Tarzan was raised to manhood

By a tender hearted ape

Just as well that apes are not

Like humans, you and me

They would have left him die for sure

Another refugee

Folk Surgery

All over the country they are springing up. Folk surgery clubs are being formed by enthusiastic amateurs keen on maintaining their link with the grand living traditions of surgery as handed down father to son to dog for generations, free from the pollution of professionalism and the cold clinical eye of modern science.

Like all folk traditions, many threads make up the fabric of folk surgery. Some conservative traditionalists will commit to nothing more than what was known to Galen from 100 CE. Admittedly their clubs are few in number, but their rigorous adherence to ancient surgery more than makes up for their rapidly declining numbers.

Some people prefer to dwell in those halcyon Victorian days with bright steel instruments unfettered by blind compliance with the upstart Pasteur. Such meetings do tend to be characterised by cheerful screams and noxious odours, but enthusiasts quickly become immune to such minor unpleasantness.

On special Fair days, different surgery clubs will set up their brightly coloured tents and practise their own favourite historical techniques on each other and the unwary passer-by. A wonderful afternoon can be had by the whole family for the trifle of a few minor amputations. How the children laugh to see father hobble so. Jolly times! Teeth extractions can be arranged for the squeamish who merely wish to dabble in this most delightful pastime.

God discussions

In discussions about God

I find it rather odd

That evidence demands such small attention,

Some accept uncritically

What from others they would see

As nothing more than obvious invention.

Darwin and the basset.

The story of Charles Darwin and the Beagle has been well documented. There have been books, documentaries, films and even a set of collector cards which were never a big seller. Now, after much research, the relationship between Darwin and another breed, the basset, can be told.

Late in 2009, a Scottish professor of linguine living in Johannesburg  was reviewing his private collection of limpet pornography when he discovered a cache of private letters that Darwin wrote to a Lady Breathless of Aberdeen. The contents have shocked the academic world and can at last be revealed.

Several letters are specifically related to Bassets and Darwin's  fascination with the breed.

Early in the correspondence Darwin writes: 'When I was but a child our family pet was a basset, Ralph. How fondly I remember the long idle hours we spent together on the wild moors, discussing philosophy. Ralph favoured Spinoza.'

He speaks candidly of his crisis of faith on Ralph's death: 'How could this saintly creature die? In what divine plan does Ralph's demise by melon make any kind of sense?'

At times, Darwin's relationship with bassets borders on the obsessional: 'I must have more bassets! Please send me more money to rescue another six hounds from the workhouse. With just six more my theories will be complete. Have you seen my hat?' 

Darwin first book, 'The Origin of Species' was originally dedicated to his dear Ralph. Later editions removed the dedication for its unwholesome undertones. At last the truth can be revealed.

The Heavy Night

Brian Heliotrope was woken from a deep sleep by the gentle sound of rain falling on a tin roof. He was momentarily confused since he knew he was sleeping out side. Opening his eyes, he saw the stars in the clear night sky shining down unblinking, uncaring and merciless, like galactic tax auditors. Once again he contemplated the viscitudes of life. He thought about steak too. How far could his fall from grace take him? Would he need to change trains? Where was his hat?

He turned towards the sound that had awakened him. It was just another wino on fire, the cheery blaze making flickering shadows on the brick wall behind him. Look, a rabbit, now a duck. What talent!

Brian despaired. His talents had deserted him along with his second pair of pants. Now he could only shuffle along the hard streets, occassionally breaking into a soft shoe routine, the stares of passers-by squeezing his spleen.

All hope was gone. It took the 3:19 to Central and made him pay for the ticket. It wanted a window seat.

The first grey streaks of dawn appeared in the sky, which was nice, because the day before they had appeared in a paper bag blwing carelessly down the street. Brian climbed clumsily to his feet, or perhaps someone else's feet, and stumbled off to face another day.

Archie

Archie was an ugly man
Of quite unpleasant face
His nose looked rather ill at ease
And slightly out of place

In fact his nose was quite depressed
And feeling out of sorts
And though it never said too much
Had suicidal thoughts

Archie never had a clue
Of his nose's mental state
But sometimes wondered why it had
Become so quiet of late

It was late on Tuesday evening
When the fire was burning low
That Archie's nose decided
That it was time to go

So striking out upon its own
It started a new life
Finding happiness at last
With an earlobe for a wife

Intelligent Design

The universe is mostly bare
Cold hydrogen and space
With random plops of galaxies
Like pimples on its face


And stars are born in violent storm
In gravity's dark grip
As nuclei are crushed torn
In fusion forces rip


While on our tiny speck of dust
Of ancient nova scree
The rare phenomenon of life
Began haphazardly


Almost all the life life forms
That e'er drew breath or blinked
Have disappeared unheralded 
Forgotten and extinct


And still there are some bozos
Of religious frame of mind
Who think this mess in which we live
Is majestically designed

Willy Wonka is a freak

Willy Wonka is a freak, originally uploaded by ordinary-art.

Integrity

Integrity, originally uploaded by ordinary-art.

Clouds

Clouds, originally uploaded by ordinary-art.

The Aquaduck

The Aquaduck, originally uploaded by ordinary-art.

moar funny pictures

Navels

What's with navel oranges?
I mean, how can that be?
They aren't members in good standing
Of the mammal family

Only mammals can have navels
And furry skin to boot,
I'm not sharing navels
With some stupid little fruit

Wear your navel as a badge of pride,
Placental mammals rise!
I'll eat that stupid orange
And make sure that he dies!

Seven League Boots

One step, two steps
See them sprawl,
One galaxy amongst them all

Three Steps, four steps
Blinked and missed 'em
One tiny little solar system

Five Steps, six steps
What does it mean?
One planet coloured blue and green

The seventh step
Just look and see:
One tiny you, one little me

Tiger, Tiger

Tiger, tiger burning bright,
Who was it who set you alight?
From where I sit, it seems that that's
Cruelty to pussy cats!

Fetch some water quickly, dear
Fetch it fast and bring it here
A meaning new without a doubt
To putting that poor pussy out.

Evolution

Evolution marches on
What's here today may soon be gone
And as the aeons on doth roll
Evolution takes its toll
On creatures past their use-by date
So you better watch out, mate,
If stupidity's extinction's sign
Then you could be the first in line!